What about your children, your husband, your parents and friends, everyone you are contacted with everyday of your life? What do you say to teachers, acquaintances and neighbors? Would you have already talked to God? Would you ask Him why, or ask Him for strength? How would you stay strong and hopeful in the eyes of your children and what if you have kids that are too young to understand and old enough that you don't want them to worry. I don't want pity or sorrow from others. I also don't want to use health issues as an excuse, a "woe me" story. I just want this to go away! But at the same time, I want people to understand why I'm not feeling like talking, why I've forgotten to send piano lesson and lunch money, why my child has missed choir practice and trying to keep up with my youngest. People don't STOP and think, what if this lady might be going through something or having a hard time. If you forget something or don't do what someone thinks you should, they're automatically and immediately judging and condescending. When you see or talk to someone who is seemingly rude, short or irritating, anything that you just don't like, PLEASE remember that you NEVER know what in the world God is allowing that person to walk through...
Each and every doctor's appointment, testing, medicine, restrictions, etc. are an everyday obstacle to climb over and those are the obstacles that are sometimes easiest. I find myself becoming devoured in fear and anticipation. So excuse the crap out of me if I don't answer you right away, forget to send in that darn check or my child's hair isn't brushed! Excuse me if I have no make up on and I'm sporting the Medusa look! I obviously don't answer to you and while I'm looking like I belong in the jungle, I am TRYING to be patient with God and praying to get out of something you just don't understand. And when someone rambles on about their absolutely wonderful fortune, exciting vacation and proud announcements of their life, believe me, I am happy for them. But, I'm not going to jump in excitement, that is very hard to do. I have to realize that not everyone knows there is something wrong with someone else, its almost like they "just don't know any better".
But I'm also frustrated! Its not that I don't care, I just can't right now. And I HATE hearing about other people's little complaints and instigations, scuffles and childish dramatizations with other people. I don't want everyone to know everything going on with me, but then I want to SCREAM to these people, "HEY! Your trivial crap and drama are so minuscule and a waste of time! Spend your life caring for things of utmost importance!"
Of course, as human nature I ask myself why. My talks with God have been expression of concern and worry, praying for a solution and overall positive ending. Time races by then painfully slows. Does your mind run wild and crazy when thinking and pondering on the possibilities of serious illness that you may never get out of? Who will care for your children?; no one the way you do, as a Mother, of course. What will your Husband do, if he loses his wife? Do you need to make a plan, legalize documents, inform the children... What do you do?
I honestly can say, I just don't know. When the heart races and exhaustion waves in and takes over, it's very hard to be logical sometimes. Everything becomes a blur and its on a prayer that you make it another day, another day of praying and waiting, completing one test after the other. Trying to stay away from the questions of people around you because its so scary and stressful to talk about.
I was in the waiting room at our local Breast Center and this lovely older lady came over to me. Its very obvious of my anxiousness and concern for my visit. She says to me, "I know you're worried... I'm requesting prayer for you on my Church prayer list." She continues to tell me, "You look much too young to be in here dear. May I ask how old you are?" Through tears, I was able to muster a simple response of, "I'm 27", and I trembled and bit my lip to prevent these irritating tears that I have felt too much of! The expression is of surprise and compassion, she leans for a very heartfelt hug and says, "You're so young! But it's okay, He will take care of this!" Of course, this definitely helps and comforts, but being a human, it lasts for just a little while.
What some may not realize is, I may have multiple very serious problems that are trying to be brought to surface, regarding my health. I could have multiple diagnoses that are completely separate and would have very serious treatment options. This is a little journey I have very recently began and I have an amazing family and doctor, to work closely with and praying to have solutions very soon!
I looked up some Scripture, hoping to get some sort of ease and optimism from. Maybe one or some of you reading this can possibly get some comfort from these Verses out of our Lord's messages to us...
